“I CALLED IT WEANING LOVE”
“I have stilled and quieted my soul; liked a weaned child with its mother, liked a weaned soul within me.”
– Psalm 131:2
Why is a lifetime partner so elusive for me? Am I doing something wrong? Am I not pretty enough? For the first time, my desire to commit to someone for the rest of my life was so real. I used to be dream. Now, it was a longing a dull ache I could actually feel. Do you understand me? Do you see my pain? I know my worthies tied with God, but being affirmed as a woman who is longed for something I pray would happen in my life now. I pray for a guy who would love me deeply, who would cherish me, who would accept and affirm. Yet no one is around and he’s gone. I have always prayed for a godly man who would best compliment my calling, my personality, and my dreams- someone with whom I would become a better person. Yet, the frequent caller who thinks going to church is an option in life, could not be the answer to my prayer.
He promised he would comeback and take me with him. He was highly-admired, well-loved and responsible. I had known him from way back. He expressed admiration for me back then. But what went wrong? All his plans had failed. My whole world dimmed. It was as if someone had played a very bad joke on me. I had thought he was God’s choice for me. Everyday became a fight to stay sane and hopeful. Every night I prayed for only one thing: that this horrible pain would go away. I turned the lights early so that I could give full vent to my tears I wondering why it had to end. I lost the man I thought I would marry. Is it because I’m not good enough for him?
I believe that God have a purpose for every event in my life. I believe in waiting for the best He would give but I just want I’m to know that I’m hurting inside. I feel unloved. Unworthy. Rejected. Inferior. Lonely. I’m not mad at him. I just feel so sad that the best God have planned for me is this. I’m not saying that I won’t obey God. I’m just saying that I’m really hurt. In psalm 131:2, the image of a young child peacefully cradled in her mother’s arms stuck in my mind. She’s so quiet. So still. I want to be that child. I need God to wean e from what I wanted to prepare me for what He wanted for me. I need to be still in Is arms knowing that He would take care of my needs- even my wants. I wait and satisfied for His answers. I pray for a love story that causes others to grow in their faith, hope and love. A love story I did not manipulate but God created alone.
